The 0.25 Life Crisis

It’s been about seven months since the last time I wrote. A lot has happened and I thought the need to share a little. 

In less than a month it’ll be my 25th birthday. This is definitely over said
but just like that little old saying that everyone else around us says
“time flies”.

24 has been a rollercoaster year but even more a year of discovery.

24 brought a lot of heartbreak. I didn’t write about this months ago because
I’m still trying to find the words to even define my heart or mind, but year 24 was the year I lost not only my first ever but also my second loved one.

I’m grateful to say that my family had not experienced a hard death in my
family for most of my life but within a matter of months we lost both, my
grandpa and my 21-year-old nephew, Christian, who was more like my little brother.

Not even a week after Thanksgiving we lost my grandpa to his fight with
Leukemia. It was a God thing that I was able to fly back to Indiana for
Thanksgiving the week before his passing to say goodbye. It was like he was
waiting for me to say goodbye.

About five-ish months later we lost my oldest nephew, Christian, to a fight
with depression and he decided that he didn’t want to fight anymore. It breaks my heart knowing that there are people in our everyday lives who go about and attempt to fight these demons on their own and feel like there’s no way out except for taking their own lives. Within forty-eight hours I again jumped on a plane back to Indiana to say my goodbyes. He would have turned 22 last month.

24 brought me to a lot of questions for myself and God.

24 had me rewinding a lot of memories and wishing that I could just go back to the easier days in my undergrad college career at Olivet.

24 had me flipping through social media memories with my college tennis
team, my worship band, the ministries I served on, and all the other joys of
college… it tempted me to give up everything I’ve worked so hard for and
sacrificed everything to make my mark in California.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t ever tempted to move back to my
college town in the suburbs of Chicago where it would just be easier.

I had my friends, I was comfortable with the area, and it was the place
where I honestly found myself… so now what?

I had a follow up with one of my mentors not too long ago and he was asking me all the typical questions about work and whatnot. And then the conversation started to transition into the real stuff that mentors want to know about.

I was honest and open and explained how I just felt lost. I moved out to
Southern California almost two years ago to make my mark and work in
entertainment. And I was starting to get confused, impatient, and very
discouraged.

At the time, I wasn’t getting the positions I was interviewing for, my work
life was getting way too hectic balancing the current positions that I had at
the time which prevented me enjoying my personal/ social life, and my family back home in the Midwest was hurting. Oh, and I was lagging in grad school. I’ve been in the same accounting class for an additional semester, but math has never been my strong point… lol

I wanted to quit, and I wanted out.

And it was also hindering my faith.

And then it hit me, if I just packed up and quit everything all of my work
and sacrifice would have been for nothing.

My mentor then began to tell me what I was experiencing was what’s simply called the “Quarter Life Crisis”.

Apparently, we as Millennials have a tendency of being way too hard on
ourselves and the awful habits of comparison, perfectionism, and type A personalities really get the best of us.

I’m a huge victim of it.

Shortly after my talk with my mentor I did a lot of self-reflection and a
few “Come to Jesus” moments.

He began to remind me that I have the passions in my heart and strengths
that I have within me because He gave all of those to me.

He put the desires that I have in my heart for a purpose- those were not man-made.

I want to work in entertainment make be a difference and shine the light of
Christ through one of the biggest outlets that this world has.

During the times when I thought I was falling behind others in the industry,
He reminded me that I didn’t even have a clue what I wanted to do really until after I finished my bachelor’s degree.

He reminded me that I finished my bachelor’s degree in four years right
after graduating high school, while playing a sport and working. And not
everyone can do that.

During the times when I would question myself why I am still an intern in
graduate school, He reminded me that I fully enjoyed my
undergraduate career so much and wouldn’t have had any time to take on an entertainment internship in California.

During the times when I question why I am making the wage of an intern while holding a bachelor’s degree, He reminded me that at this time I don’t need to invest as much in my bank account. He reminded me that I need to invest in experience, people, and my career.

He reminded me that the opportunities that I am being given now are being
placed in front of me for such a time as this, for a purpose.

He reminded me that within not even two years yet, I have worked for not one not two but three leading entertainment companies in the industry. 

One of the things that I have always struggled with is wanting to be
“more” or how can I get “better” and succeed to the next
level.

I think what 24 has taught me the most is that sometimes we have to stop
comparing or asking ourselves what could be better, or how can we become “more”?

24 taught me how to seek simplicity in the right now and how to be present.

On that note, I’m praising and thanking Jesus for another year.

Despite a lot of tears and confusion, I’m thanking Him for a year full of
memories, opportunities, and lots of laughter.

And to all of those who have been in my tribe since day one- from the
Midwest, to SoCal, and everywhere else across the country, thank you for
cheering me on even in my quiet days when I secretly wanted to quit.

I couldn’t have made it this far without you.

Here’s to preparing for 25 to be another memorable year, and finally able to
rent a car without a million fees for being too young ;).

Much Love;

Brooke

P.S.- Peep a glimpse from my latest career update, working my first show as the Publicity Intern at Def Jam. Here’s to the memories #JesusIsKing #KanyeWest

 

No Longer Afraid

I write this post out of the deepest sincerity of my heart.

I had a very difficult encounter with a family member about a week ago over a subject that has left a deep scar in my life and that took many years of healing.

Two years ago I served on my first mission trip to the Big Island, Hawaii and I learned about the importance of talking story. 

This is similar to what many of us would just call sharing our testimony in the church, or even just our life story.

I was extremely blessed to grow up in a home with both of my parents married, a roof over my head, and always having food on the table.

However, I did not live an easy childhood, but it was during this time of my life when I was able learn first hand what faith really meant.

I used to be so afraid to tell my story until about two years ago because although I was able to learn and grow from my past I knew that the scars were still there and there was not complete healing yet.

So here’s my story,

It all started when I was at a young age.

A family member in my life that should have been an impactful figure became my biggest nightmare.

This person became extremely abusive to my health physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually from about the age six until eighteen.

This person tormented my mind of what a certain type of role model in my life should have looked like and made me question daily my worth, my value, and even my life.

I would ask myself everyday what did I do wrong, why do I deserve this, and if God really loved me to place such a person in my life.

At an elementary age I remember kneeling by my bed at night crying and begging God to make it all stop and to take the situation away because I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I told Him if He really loved me He would make it all stop.

This person would manipulate my mind and make me think that everything that I would do was wrong.

Time passed along and I was finally going into high school.

I did whatever I could to fill this void in my life with other people to replace that feeling with whatever temporary satisfaction that I could even if they were not the healthiest of ways.

During this time I tried my very best to be the best me that I could because you can only do so much as a teenager, and at sixteen you’re also still a kid. There’s only so much that you can do.

I learned to grow up pretty fast and how to not depend on others as much as I could because I didn’t really know any other way. This person made me feel that because I couldn’t depend on them I had to become independent and only worry about myself for myself.

The worst part of it all I knew that I was suppose to love this person regardless because they were put in my life for a reason but they were not fulfilling such a crucial role that they were given to play in my life.

It was hard and it hurt.

I was extremely involved in school. I remember going to my tennis matches, my show choir competitions, school dances- the list keeps going- and thinking… where are you?

I would wear a “mask” at school through a smile and get distracted through busyness to not think about reality after the last bell would ring.

I would look at my friends and see their families cheering them on and I would get so jealous but more so hurt because I didn’t have that. I didn’t have that type of support in my life and it was missing in my life for so long.

I fought through pain and the tears throughout many years and told myself that it would only make myself a stronger and more independent person and will help me with who I want to become one day, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t hurting.

I was longing to be loved and cared for by someone who I was supposed to call my father for the longest time and I wasn’t given that. I was given someone who was constantly angry, confused, anxious, and degrading.

I never felt like I was good enough and that I couldn’t satisfy his expectations of a child.

Throughout the years he was not found at a single athletic event, choir concert, prom court crowning, or even my high school graduation. That hurt.

I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t even their attitude, persona, or hurtful words that hurt me the most.

It was having the void of missing someone so vital during one of the highest peaks on my life and not being able to do anything about it because nothing was ever enough.

It a lot of time going to church camps, going away to a Christian university in another state, and learning about the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation to even understand a piece of why God wrote me the story that He wanted for me to have.

I had to surround myself around the right people that reminded me of my truth and worth and that lifted me up rather than adding fuel to the problem.

It didn’t happen overnight, but eventually I learned how to forgive my dad and how to love again.

I learned that no matter who comes my way, what situation I am given, or where I am found that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me SO much that He continued to pursue me, love me, and wait for me even when I was hurt and wanting nothing to do with Him.

I learned that He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for me so I didn’t have to hurt anymore or try to perfect because He is more than enough for me because He loves me that much,

Today, I firmly believe that I was given the childhood that I was given and the situations that I have experienced to be able to show others also how to experience God’s love.

I believe that I experienced the hurt and the past that I did learn how to love like Christ towards everyone, and no matter what a person does to me, or just in their life in general I am able to look at them through the eyes of Jesus and tell them

its okay.

Because there’s hope for them too.

God writes the stories that He gives us not to question our life purpose, but for His name to be made known through us and to give us a greater purpose than we can ever give ourselves.

God has amazing plans for each of our lives but we need to know how to follow them.

I didn’t want to share my story to request sympathy from anyone or to gossip about a past event but to encourage others not to be afraid to share their stories and what God has taught them through their hardships and battles.

If anything, I have learned that God has made me into a pretty strong person from what I have endured.

About a week ago another family member of mine specifically told me that I should be ashamed how feeling the way that I did because this past event sharing my story.

The worst part- they claimed to be from the Church.

Don’t you ever let someone make you feel ashamed for telling your story because God wrote you that story to reach others going through similar situations, and to give them hope through Him.

My story is why I am who I am today and God wrote it for me including every tear shed and every scar left behind.

I can’t change my past, but I can decide how I let it impact my future.

All I wanted was for my dad to be proud of me and to love me for being his daughter hoping that I would be enough.

Today, my relationship with my biological father is stronger than it has ever been. I may not have the best or any good childhood memories, but I have something worth so much more.

I have a relationship restored because of grace and freedom that God brought me through His Son.

I am able to believe that I have a good relationship with my dad and believe it.

He has a completely transformed heart.

He tells me that he loves me, that he’s proud of me, and he prays for me.

And I couldn’t thank God anymore because this was the biggest answered prayer that I could ever ask for.

Sure, I still have my scars.

But behind every scar is a story worth telling and a reminder of the strength that I had to endure it.

Sometimes the biggest smiles and most open arms are hiding the biggest pains internally. I know this because I struggled with this for over a decade. Don’t ever be afraid of sharing what God has done for you in your life including the trials and the turning points.

I hope this encourages you to not be afraid of telling your story to anyone including the hardest details that you want to forget because you never know who you could be helping going through the same thing.

My heart has a huge space for teens and specifically high school girls who are battling finding their self worth because of similar situations, and my hope is to be a light into their darkness relating to their stories. And being able to tell them that it gets better and that God has a plan.

Be slow to speak and quick to listen.

Listen to understand and not to speak.

We all have a story that is meant to be told and can reach others.

Tell your story, use your voice, and be that difference in some else’s life.

xoxo,

Brooke Allison

Stop doing what you should be doing.

It’s been well over a month since I’ve written anything.

These last four months in California have taught me so much about myself.

Something that I have learned recently is that I continue to ask myself

what should I do?

or

what am I supposed to do?

I firmly believe that we live in a culture that constantly tells us that we have to be something that we don’t have to be in order to happy or reach success.

I am extremely guilty when it comes to this topic.

We say- be yourself and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

But do we really?

Over the last four years I went to a small Christian university that captivated my fellow student body and I in a bubble. And I have come to the conclusion that I actually really miss that bubble.

I miss knowing that there are many other peers of mine experiencing the same struggles that I am that are open to talk about it and listen.

I miss knowing that I have many leaders including faculty and staff, church members, spiritual life members, and friends that are older than me who were only moments away from me to help guide and direct me on the right path.

However, as much as I want it to be, the bubble isn’t the real world.

I have come to learn that the only way that other  young Christians can grow and succeed in life that have experienced, or are experiencing the same things as myself is to hang on tight to Jesus.

How do you do that?

Find their new church home, devote yourself to prayer, and really stick to the Word. Having a solid life group also is extremely important.

Personally, I thought I knew where I wanted to be in life after college and my internship but now I think that the Lord has other plans for me.

I let the thoughts of what I should be doing or who I should be completely consume me, and started finding value in areas of my life that are actually meaningless compared to what I actually deserve.

I had a good conversation with a friend and explained prior to what I felt was going on, and how I felt so confused and lost about where my life was going.

She asked me if I had prayed about it.

At point my prayer life honestly sucked.

I was not holding myself accountable, and just fell off the grid with my prayer life.

I excluded God from this area of my life even though it wasn’t intentional.

So as much as I wanted to ignore her question, I pondered it and realized that praying was exactly what I needed to do and ask for clarity.

Later that day God opened my eyes and asked me the simple question

Why are you settling? 

That simple question opened my eyes from the last month where I felt totally lost and misunderstood.

I let the thoughts of who I should be, where I should be doing, and where I should be going take over my life.

And it really hurt me.

Although, I serve a God who loves me so much that He never fails to remind me of my worth and what I deserve.

He tells me that He’s been there for me since the very start, and will be my biggest cheerleader every step of the way even when I feel like I have to fight these battles on my own.

He reminds me that His plans are far above my own and He has much more amazing plans for me than I can ever make for myself in a lifetime.

He reminds me that I don’t have to take my problems into my own hands alone, and I don’t have to settle for any kind of temporary satisfaction to forget about the present momentarily because He can take care of everything right now.

If you’re struggling to figure out what you’re doing wrong, or why your plans aren’t following through the way that you planned ask God why.

It’s okay to ask why when you don’t have all the answers yourself.

He will show you the way.

He’s already brought me so far, and I know He isn’t finished with me yet.

Don’t give up.

Keep pushing.

Keep praying.

Don’t lose hope.

You got this because He’s had you since the very beginning.